Friday, July 23, 2010

Week of Reflection

I am not even sure myself where to begin with my week's reflection. I thought 6 years ago this would NEVER ever happen and to be honest I think it has. 6 years ago my 2 beautiful children(in fact my whole world) lost their father suddenly and very tragically. My daughter being the independant age of 14 stayed home from what was a cottage trip with her Dad and Step-Mom and my son went along on the adventure at his innocent age of 12yrs. Oh as I write this I am teary and I can remember it like yesterday but i have never really shared my anxiety and feelings over this sad yet one of life's cruel realities. My beautiful and excited son left Friday night eager to spend the time with his father, they were very close and his Dad was a great father to have, I wouldn't change it for the world. They spent the weekend in St. Mary's on a baseball trip and stopped 'home' to get some things on the Sunday night before their cottage time. Father and Son both eager, both smiling, both enjoying each others company. I remember the big wave as they drove off - walking back to the house I felt a sense of freedom for the week and a feeling of peace as I knew my son was in the most capable hands he could be in. (well let's be honest except for mine, after all I AM MOM :)) Then the dreadful most unimaginable tragedy occured- at 3:30 a.m. on July 20, 2004 I received a phone call that would shatter my world, that would crash and alter my children's lives forever. It was a panic call from the childrens Step-Mom (who to this day is a very close friend of mine) to say that HE WAS GONE - what??? this could not be - this could not be. Fast forward to reality, it was true - the rest is a blur, waking up my daughter, finding someone to be with her, driving 2 hrs to get to my son who my last words from him were 'Mommy I need you quick God took my Best Friend from me, please Mommy, please Mommy quick' The nightmare continued to get worse as my poor child had been the one to get up for that boy 'pee' in the middle of the night to find his father had died on the bathroom floor - he thinks he should have been able to save him bless his oh so innocent heart.

So........what is it I am looking upon - almost every single day since that dreaded phone call I have always had this guilt linger with me, why me?? why my children?? why me??? I think that guilt that I thought would be there forever has lifted, it's like something I can't even understand myself, it seemed to very bluntly tell me that it was time it left me and went away! Sound strange?? It does to me so I totally get what you might be thinking. I was so guilty that I over compensated with my children ever which way I could and I mean everything. Whatever they wanted I tried to give - not just materialistically but with rules, with school habits well I am admitting it, it was just everything.

I have been so blessed these past few months to have met some utterly fantastic women who have now come in to my life - not just met them but they stay, they talk, they come back, they are truly becoming My Friends! I feel such a joy I can't explain about this turn and change going on in my life. I am blessed to be going down this new path and I am just so in awe that life can be this great and WITHOUT GUILT - yes I said it WITHOUT - you are my WITNESS.

So as I sit on this dark and kind of gloomy Friday afternoon I feel utter sunshine going on within me. I feel blessed, i feel guilt free and I feel like I can be me - i will forever miss my children's father as he was my Best Friend but I don't feel GUILTY I feel lucky, to have known him, for my children to be such great human beings and to have been so lucky as to have their Dad for the time they did. I feel guilt free because it wasn't my fault, it was a reality of life, a tough life lesson and a life altering experience but I am here and I must go on. I need to do what is best for me and in turn I have learned that will probably be the best gift I can give my children. So......to my children, I am coming back as me, the person I am, want to be and will continue to be forever!! Woot Woot - I am ready for the rest of my life.........bring it on cause I can handle it!!

**I will sign off as I have a GNO to attend to tonight and can't wait to hook up with some Fab Ladies I spoke to you about**

Until next time...................<3

2 comments:

  1. Oh, I cried as I read this. How terrible a tragedy but it sounds like you are healing.
    I'm sending you a virtual {hug} tonight!

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  2. MY God what an experienced you got friend! Yes no pain is as painful as losing someone .I am bit shocked ! My friend this don't just happened to you .it happened to all.I admired your guts to write the whole thing, remembering it again is never an easy task how much more in writing the whole scene? God Bless! I find you a very strong woman.

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